Reflections On Why I Wrote the Book, Including Some of my Personal Story

Posted on April 9, 2011

In “Ruby In Paradise,” my Mom’s favorite line is when my character journals, “Where does caring come from?” Mom often reminds me of the tender poignancy of this musing. In my own life, caring pulses from many sources, such as deep reserves of family history (going back to my Pilgrim ancestors, who risked their lives to worship their God, for freedom of assembly, expression, and movement), my personal experiences growing up, and my faith in a loving Creator who cares for us all. When I eventually became willing to share in All That Is Bitter & Sweet some of those experiences growing up, the point was to give some context as to where indeed my deep caring comes from, and to celebrate what my recovery has taught me: In God’s hands, and through a simple and effective design for living based on certain steps, the dark past becomes my greatest asset. I am taught that with it, I can show others who still suffer and want to feel better (we have to choose the recovery every day!) how I have found relief, help, and hope. Bringing secrets (which keep us sick) out of their hiding places corrects distortions in our thinking and beliefs, such as that we are bad, wrong, worthless, that the abuse was our fault, and melts the lie that we cannot recover. We, too, just like the disempowered people worldwide whose stories I share in the book, can absolutely take the beautiful, difficult journey from victim to survivor, from voiceless to leader, from hurting to empowered wounded healer. But in order to start, we must first admit and acknowledge that we have been hurt.

In recovery, it is said that when we share our story, we describe what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. It is very important to make that distinction: When I tell my story about growing up, it is a description ~ not an indictment. Also, It is abusive to point out a problem without highlighting a solution. I described the kind of loneliness in which I was raised to reach out to other lonely lost children (and adults) worldwide, so that if they identify with my journey, they can know they are not alone, and that change is possible for them, too. I am deeply grateful to my entire family for their implicit understanding and acceptance of this formula, for their participation in the healing process, and their graceful dignity in supporting me as I share my story so that it might help others who feel as I once did. It is my hope and prayer that media can now, after a crazy week including uncanny (and maybe even bizarre) media timing that only God could have orchestrated (my book, my mother and sister’s TV show, and Tennie McCarty’s TV show, the woman who introduced me to recovery, all debuting at the same time), place the focus where it belongs: feminist social justice, human rights, and public health. That is what All That Is Bitter & Sweet is about. The brief personal back-story was provided to help explain why I have dedicated so much of my life and soul, sometimes to my own detriment and at great emotional cost, to the welfare of others around the world. I wish I could take the word “memoir” off the cover, for it seems to have given a wildly false impression of the book, and replaced it with “travel diaries,” or something like that. Readers are discovering that, with each page. Hopefully, the media can, too.

About the book:

When Population Services International took a chance on me, inviting me to travel the world to explore their grassroots health programs that empower and protect the lives of the most vulnerable and poor, I was eager, earnest, and wholly unprepared. I wanted nothing more my whole life than both to learn and to make a difference. My first trip was in 2004, to Cambodia and Thailand. Sitting in the notorious brothels of Svay Pak holding recently raped children and adults who would again be raped as soon as I left, walking the slums holding hands of sex slaves, our heads held high as pimps and traffickers looked on, I clearly remember being immediately convicted that this is my life, this is what I was meant to do. During my first public forum representing PSI, at the American Ambassador to Cambodia’s residence, attended by high ranking Khmer government officials (and a few Peace Corps volunteers), in spite of being emotionally shattered and almost paralyzed with exhaustion, I cried out during my remarks, “1 country down, 64 to go!” I was hooked.

What hooked me? What happened that first day in 2004 that has since lead to trips to 13 countries, and the publication of a book based on 650 pages of diaries I have written while receiving the sacred narratives of our brothers and sisters living in slums, brothels, forcibly displaced persons camps, in make shift schools and clinics, or dying in hospices? What did I see in creative, cost-effective, and healing grassroots programs that disrupt cycles of violence and poverty that compelled me to change my life, largely retire from Hollywood, leave our idyllic farm, risk my own sanity, subject myself to ridicule?

Even I can’t quite explain it, except to say it felt as if my own life depended on advocating for those who are oppressed, disempowered, exploited. Who, for reasons that are unjust, infuriating, and tragic, are not allowed to advocate their own best interests on the household, community, national, and international level. They can’t book appointments with government ministers. They aren’t on news media describing first person what it’s like to eat only one meal a day, to lose even those nutrients due to chronic diarrheal disease because unsafe drinking water, to sell a daughter for sex to afford a cow, to have 3 children die from a mosquito bite, to live in constant terror of gang rape, to nearly die, over and over again, from unintended pregnancies, to be denied the right to school, land, work, because of gender.

I am only a surrogate. I am a place holder. I use my voice to carry to you the voices of those who are literally dying to be heard. Who have stories to share, broken hearts and bodies to mend, and, critically, community based solutions to advance that, if implemented with local people’s expertise, can change the world. Helping others, not through charity and pity, but through social justice and empathy, supports them to transform from victims to survivors. The once voiceless become local leaders. It is their resilience, self-efficacy, and empowerment we tap. They are the agents of transformation in their own countries.

My beloved grandmother of choice, Tennie McCarty, often says it is the birth right of every child to be heard. She says, “We all need a good ‘listening to.’” When anyone reads this book, they partake in the sacred act of allowing someone who has been neglected and abused to be heard. They allow themselves, as Bob Kegan puts it, “to be recruited to the welfare of another.” In allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, we take the risk of caring, or remembering there is no “other,” that the heart beats the same under the skin, that what happens to one, happens to all.

I’ll close with a story about my friend Kika. Kika is survivor of gang rape in eastern Congo. I met her at Panzi Clinic in Bukavu. She had crawled there, which took her a month, accompanied by her 11 year old son. She had been raped by armed militia who terrorize much of eastern Congo in order to extract its vast mineral wealth, the minerals in the very computer I am typing on right now. Her rapists bayonetted her brother to death because he would not rape her. Her village forced her to leave because she smelled so vile due to her severe internal injuries. She is an exquisite woman, fierce, broken, disturbed, resilient, tender, far away, determined, hopeful. Whenever she spoke about her brother and his orphaned children, although her face did not change, tears traced down her dark skin. She would imperceptibly bend at the waist, using a kitchen towel to sop them. I asked her, “Kika, how have you endured this?” She responded, in something like an incantation, “When I crawled to Panzi, and was nearly dead, they did not abandon me. When I did not improve after a long time, they did not abandon me. When I could not return home, due to the violence and my own trauma, they did not abandon me. When I was a little better, and they could have turned me out, they gave me work in the kitchen, and did not abandon me.”

I have made a sacred vow to Kika, and the thousands of people worldwide who, however improbably, have entrusted their stories to me. I have allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to be recruited to their welfare. I refuse to abandon them.

I invite you to join me in the bitterness and the sweetness of feminist social justice, human rights, and public health work. Tennie poetically calls it “joy filled pain filled joy filled pain….” and in my experience, that is exactly what it is. When we love, care, cry, rage, and pray together, though, it is the joy that carries us through the pain.

If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?

Rabbi Hillel

Russell & Me

Posted on April 8, 2011

Considering the best way to address some folks responding to viral spread of inaccurate information taken out of
context from my book, I phoned Russell Simmons, with whom I have been friends for 15 years. We chatted for a while about the situation, and within an hour, he sent me a typed transcript of our call, which he had recorded on his cell phone! He posted it on his web site, and here I also provide a copy.

***

So, I guess the shit storm started when I was on the plane heading to Miami where I will be speaking this weekend at The Summit Series on a boat somewhere between Miami and the Bahamas. Right when I got off the plane, I got a frantic call from a long time friend, Ashley Judd, who just released her book about her international social justice, human rights, and public health work and revelations about painful experiences growing up as a child. There is a paragraph in the book where she  briefly mentions the misogyny in some hip-hop and has caught a lot of heat because of it, in the past twenty-four hours.

As the United Nations Goodwill Ambassador to the Permanent Memorial On Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade, I have worked closely with Ashley on her inspiring work to end modern day slavery and the abuse of  the poor, and women and girls, in particular, around the world. I wanted to give her the platform to express what she does, as she has been one of the great champions. While she’s in Africa or India or Central America Southeast Asia fighting to end poverty and exploitation, a lot of people are unfairly criticizing her. While we can debate her views on hip-hop, a debate we have had since the days of Def Jam, let us not lose perspective on her love for our people and all people.

Below is the transcript from our phone call:

Me: What brought you to a point that you wanted to write a book?

Ashley: I was trying to bring voice to the voiceless, bring attention to the exploited and disempowered and make a difference at both the grassroots and international level. I’ve spent the majority of my time in slums, brothels, refugee camps and hospitals, in make shift schools, and clinics that in this country would be condemned buildings, listening to the sacred narratives of the oppressed and then bringing those narratives to the public and trusting that once the truth is shared, the world can start to change. I have been to Kenya, South Africa, Madagascar, Rwanda, I’ve been to the Congo multiple times, I’ve been to Guatemala, El Salvador, India, Thailand, Cambodia. I addressed the General Assembly of the United Nations regarding the abolition of the modern slave trade, I was the keynote speaker in May of 2008. And I addressed the Senate Foreign Relations Committee on the urgent need to protect the health of African girls and women. I  recently visited for three hours President Kagame of Rwanda about strategies to stop mass rape in Congo.  I basically retired from Hollywood in 2004 and have been doing this full time, serving on multiple boards and advisory councils, but, most importantly, sitting and standing with people worldwide who need to be heard.

I do this work and I wrote the book because I know that there is no difference between me and another human being. The heart beats the same under the skin. I myself was neglected as a child, and I have fought hard to recover my personal dignity and self-esteem and I consider it my responsibility to fight on behalf of others who are still suffering.  I carry a message of resilience, hope, perseverance, and identification. Together we can accomplish what no one can do alone.

Me: What were intentions when you wrote that paragraph about hip-hop, Snoop and Puff?

Ashley: My intention was to support artists to know that they have so much power. That they make incredible life changing impressions, particularly on the young.  And we have choices everyday with our expressions, we either empower and celebrate unity or we re-enforce inequality and degradation. We are either part of the problem, or part of the solution. There is no in-between.

There are elements, and that is the part that has been so distorted – what I’m being accused of is condemning rap and hip-hop as a whole, and the whole community, which is understood to mean the fans, and African-Americans! It’s become so generalized and taken out of context! My intention was to take a stand: the elements that are misogynistic and treat girls and women in a hyper-sexualized way are inappropriate. The male dominance that is displayed, and the reinforcement of girls’ and women’s value and identify as primarily sexual, is not helpful in any artistic expression, in any cultural form, whether its country music or in television story lines.  And if they read amore than one paragraph in the book, they would see that all four hundred pages are about that!  We do live in a worldwide culture in which the sexual interests of boys and men are privileged over the bodily integrity and sexual autonomy of girls and women. What about this 11 year old child, gang raped multiple times in Texas over months? That is rape culture: a crowd of people, repeatedly, participating in and allowing sexual violence and humiliation. The images of her on the other kids’ cell phones are crime scene photos and child pornography. Rape culture isn’t always that extreme, or evident, but it is pervasive.  Men having constant sexual access to compliant females (or sometimes sassy, but in the end, she always wants it, and if not, hey, nothing wrong with a force, right?) is a theme everywhere:  sock commercials, shoe ads, hamburger advertisements. I so regret that my indictment of rape culture as a whole has been with that paragraph interpreted as me blaming rap and hip hop exclusively. That was absolutely not my intention, and I so regret it has had that effect on some people. The hip hope and rap community is incredibly important to me and to the cause of social justice. It is filled with bad ass and brave activists whom I admire, who work under duress fighting epic discrimination, who struggle to be heard for who and what they really are. As for the artists themselves who I mention, I write about being friendly with and enjoying Curtis Jackson’s company, then being confused when on stage his .50 personae comes out.  I know Sean as a lovely, gracious guy who always remembers my husband’s name, with whom I have had heartfelt talks about the role of pop culture in improving social norms and eliminating discrimination.

Me: Here’s where it gets a little tricky. People would argue, and it’s a fine argument to have, that the artistic expression is simply a mirror. And there are many people who are concerned with the reality that exists and when they hear it echoed in poetry, in art, on television and other places they sometimes can be as angry as the artist, the exploiter. However, this language, I do understand that it can be hurtful to people who are suffering and who understand the suffering and the plight of women. You are only guilty of saying what every preacher, every black preacher says and I know that your intentions are pure. You have the right to not like Snoop Dogg or elements of rap music, but that certainly doesn’t make you a racist .In fact, you, Ashley are the farthest thing from it, considering you have committed your life to uplifting people around the world, mostly people of color.

Ashley: You mentioned the black minister, and that brings to mine my favorite:  Archbishop Desmond Tutu. He is my spiritual director. He’s my dearest, most valued friend and my spiritual mentor. We’re in touch all the time, especially when I’m on my trips. He’s the one who keeps from losing my mind when I am going insane with grief because I’m sitting in a brothel.

Me: I love you for the work that you do and I will always support you.

Ashley: Thank you Russell, that means a lot.

International Women’s Day

Posted on March 8, 2011

In honor of International Women’s Day, I invoked the memory of a young Kenyan woman trapped in exploited prostition in the grim and seedy brothels of Nairobi. Take action on behalf of women victims of armed conflict and war! Visit Women for Women International and begin sponsoring a sister today. I have been sisters with a series of women in Nigeria, and witnessed the transforamtion in their lives as a result of my modest financial commitment. And, I have personally visited W4WI programs in Congo in Rwanda: They are incredbile.

In the Same Sentence as Demond Tutu

Posted on March 4, 2011

To hear my name said in the same sentence as Desmond Tutu’s last night at Grace Cathedral in San Francisco gave me an opportunity to reflect on the richness of my life’s arc. Having been asked to help host this special event to raise money for Grace, an American icon of inclusive and compassionate Christian love, I was enormously pleased when Father responded to my e mail last October that indeed, although he is retired, he would fry from RSA to attend our occasion, and speak. In April, I will post an audio file (I need to embargo it for a short while) of the remarks I made as I introduced this great man, in which I shared how he became known to me as the fiery, faith based conscience of the anti-Apartheid struggle when I was an 18-year-old undergrad at UK. (Of course, I revere Madiba, ands have a beautiful portrait of him in our home, like a venerated icon. But because of my interesting connection to Father from when I was such a young woman, he is my most special hero.) In the audio file, you will also he hear the very divinely timed ringing of Grace Cathedral’s bells, an unplanned occurrence that literally took the collective breathe of the large, elegant crowd away. In a room full of accomplished people who routinely enjoy the best of what the world has to offer, the moment was sublime and a reminder that God’s grace, which is free, is the most coveted and precious thing of all.

My Final Decision

Posted on March 1, 2011

It is official! I shall be starring in ABC TV’s new series, Missing! I came to my final decision with an intense amount of careful consideration. I have greatly enjoyed my semi-retirement from acting. The service work I do, the boards and leadership advisory councils on which I serve, and especially the international travel I undertake to see and love my brothers and sisters in our world’s slums, brothels, and forcibly displaced persons camps, is an integral pat of my soul, and the only kind of life I am interesting in living is one that comes from my soul. And what I have decided to boldly believe is that I can reconnect with the creative process on that sustained, full-time basis in ways that are congruent with how I construct meaning, that are in keeping with my values and principles. I have been taught that my recovery is portable, and that provided I am willing to do a few simple things every day, I will live on a difference basis. One of my favorite yoga teachers said to me yesterday, “you are rewriting the story of this part of your life.” I both loved and hated acting before recovery. In “Missing,” I am choosing to love every minute of it. Work can be, with the right attitude, fun, empowering, sacred, rewarding. It won’t always be easy, and hard times are inevitable. But as they saying goes, misery is optional! The process can even be an act of worship, and act of service. Shoot, that is what the Shakers believed, that every task, no matter how mundane, was a chance to connect with God as one understands God. I am on the board of Shaker Village, so I have no excuses!

~

One of my primary mentors said, as I was nearing my final decision, that his mentor long ago taught him that in life, we rarely know when we are making a decision, if it in fact is ultimately the right decision. What we have to do is make the best decision we can, with what we know in the moment, then immediately set about to living in such a way that we make it the right decision.

Keeping up with the Cats… and Twitter

Posted on February 26, 2011

Really stinks Cats lost at Arkansas. I think that blows our chance at a 3 seed in the NCAA unless we sweep SEC tourney. I am trying to keep up from England and it’s hard, but news of an OT loss gets through, even without internet connection. (Subscing to Tom Leach’s “Leach Report” podcasts, and Coach Cal’s Call In Show, are highly advisable). In other news, shall start Tweeting soon, despite my better judgement!!!!! It will be good to let folks know about All That Is Bitter and Sweet, though.

Who Do You Think You Are?

Posted on February 25, 2011

Who Do You Think You Are? is one of the most wonderful experiences of all my born days. I have indeed been amazed, and as Dario predicted, I have wept my way through some of the revelations. The producer said he would bet his career on my episode, and yes, he gets to keep his career. It is a doozie. I can’t reveal anything as yet; it airs 8 April, then I can discuss the extraordinary people who are my ancestors! The researchers began working on my genealogy a year ago! They asked what I might like to learn, what questions I might have for my people. I said I wondered if there were any activists in my background, any agitators for social change, champions of the poor, or reform. Were there people of exceptional faith, charity, hope? Who was the God of my ancestors’ understanding? Were there any rabble rousers? Is there an explanation for where my urgent need for justice comes from, my passion for ecumenical tolerance, my desire to protect the vulnerable, for a fair, equitable society? I have had many of these questions answered in spades. I can give one hint: Today I was at Cambridge University. When the porter who escorted me asked what all I might like to see, I said, “the lecture halls.” I miss graduate school. I dearly miss being dedicated exclusively to study. I am very afraid of neglecting my intellectual growth.

~

Kids have nominated me for best movie performance for my role as “Carley” in Tooth Fairy! Voting begins 7 March on nick.com. The film was such fun to make, and I laughed and cried my way through it. Is that silly to say about a movie I am in? I loved its values and heart, and in addition to having a wonderful experience, I gained a precious friend, Destiny Whitlock, the beautiful girl who plays my daughter.

Missing

Posted on February 20, 2011

News that I am close to signing a deal to star in ABC’s new series, Missing, is circulating. Yikes! It seems that much more real, now that folks are talking about it. I am excited-daunted. The material is fantastic. The people involved incredible. The premise, especially that is it only 10 episodes per season, but on network, and shot entirely in Europe, is one-of-a-kind. And, it will be a great deal of work, a return to a production pace I have carefully avoided for years. But after dedicating so much time to service work, making my way around the globe multiple times and then fulfilling my dream of going to graduate school, I suspect it is time to re-connect with and expand on my equally intrinsic and necessary creativity. The character is my kind of woman, so it would be rewarding. Stay tuned; we’ll see how it all turns out!

Retreat

Posted on February 16, 2011

Ahhhh. Retreat! No way to describe them, just do one today. Seriously. Shades of Hope is the most incredible place to do recovery work in America. (I was lucky enough to actually host the full Shades of Hope experience at home, so I didn’t have to travel, but could still fully immerse myself in the routine of their 6 day intensive.) When I emerged from the retreat, I packed for 2+ weeks on the road, headed to Vanderbilt University to be on a panel about the meaning of public service, as inspired by President’s Kennedy’s marvelous speech given there 50 years ago. I was still in a bit of another world, up in the woods on spiritual retreat, although sitting on the panel, and I found myself mixing up words (“felicitous” for “serendipitous”). My dear friends from the Tennessee Immigration and Refugee Rights Coalition were there, and I grabbed big hugs (and cheerfully accepted a box of valentine chocolates) before boarding a bus to begin filming my very own episode of NBC’s “Who Do You Think You Are?” I am BESIDE myself with excitement about our genealogy being done, and the show itself is saying they are going to astound me with what they have researched. I am so thrilled and grateful!

Busy

Posted on February 1, 2011

This is as busy a time in my life as I can remember. I am reading tons of scripts, looking perhaps for an interesting TV project that fills very strict criteria, working on the Clinton Global Initiative Lead, “Rethinking Refugees” project, serving still on PSI’s board, organizing an event in San Francisco for Defenders of Wildlife, on whose board I serve, hosting Archbishop Desmond Tutu at Grace Cathedral in San Fran, trying to keep up with International Center for Research on Women’s amazing output of research, doing the post book housekeeping that is required, such as being updated on the book tour which looks exciting/daunting/what the heck have I gotten myself into?, fielding a steady stream of requests, managing correspondence, traveling to be with Dario as he accepts high honors at the Scottish Motor Racing Driver’s annual dinner, etc. It doesn’t look like much when I write it out…but it feels like a lot! I am taking my annual, never-mess-with-for-any-reason recovery retreat soon. I expect to have a deeply restorative, cathartic, healing, pleasurable time. I love sitting in healing circle, doing powerful work!